My Inner Struggle

For those who have never struggled with weight issues, I have to tell you, it's a very unique problem. My wife described it perfectly. She said that EVERYONE struggles with something. Everyone has some kind of internal conflict. For some, it's mental illness. Others, it's alcoholism. And others may struggle with infertility, or with a mid-life crisis. But the one thing in common with all these people, is that you'd never know by looking at them that they're struggling with anything. They just appear "normal." But for the growing population of overweight people, you're wearing your struggle for EVERYONE to see. As soon as people see you, they already know what your personal struggle is. And this doesn't make them sympathetic. In fact, it's quite possible that many people judge you the instant they see you.

You see, there are no politically correct ways to describe someone who is overweight. If you're arrogant, you could be described as over confident. Confident still being a positive word, a word that people like and want to be. If you're lazy, you could be described as laid back, or take it as it comes. But when you're over weight, there's no way to sugar coat that. There are no positive words to describe that. You're fat, obese, and chubby. Women have tried to smooth it over, calling us guys "teddy bears." I don't want to be a teddy bear. Don't call me "stocky" or "husky." A husky is a dog. Even fat people have tried to cover up their problem with a cute way of saying it. "Fluffy," or "festively plump." And even "more cushion for the pushin'." Ew.

I don't really know what my point is, but I feel that quite often, I am judged by my looks before ever saying a word to someone. As I stated in my previous blog, I work on the Security department of a major hospital, and I encounter scores of people everyday. And many times, I am tasked with the challenge with solving their problems. From lost property, to family disputes, I have to step in, take charge, and as quickly as I can, make decisions that can affect not only the people involved, but the hospital as well. And I need the staff and customers involved to feel comfortable with me the instant I arrive. I need them to see me and be relieved that I'm there to help them. And as my weight has increased, the confidence that I have in my appearance has decreased. I walk the hallways, and as I look at people, I can almost hear them judging me. I can hear their thoughts. "Ugh!" "Look at that guy!" "I hope I don't need him for anything, it'll take him 3 years to get there!" "Man, if I need help, he'll be out of breath before he gets here!" I even think that the people who don't look at me, are avoiding eye contact with me because they don't want to see the fat guy.

Of course, I can't really hear their thoughts, but this is what plagues my mind when I'm at work. I think about it more than people realize, and probably more than some people would believe. It burdens my mind as much as it burdens my bones. This is my personal struggle. It's not just the physical weight, but the mental weight as well. I don't tell people these things because for me, it's become part of my life. Looking at people and judging them, because I believe they are judging me.

What's ironic is that when people do say something about my weight, it's not the rude comments from belligerent drunks that hurt me. I know that they are just trying to elicit a response from me, and it's nothing personal. It's the "helpful" comments and suggestions from people that I know that hurt me the most. I am well aware of my weight issue, and I am well aware of what I need to do to correct it. I don't need suggestions. I've been overweight for years, and if I didn't take your suggestions then, I'm not going to now. Stop trying to "help." I know these people don't mean anything by it, and that they are just showing concern, but it's doing me more damage than good. These comments generally come from people who have never experienced weight issues. This is what it is like to be me, concerning my struggle with weight.